This condition does not discriminate. It did not matter that I had earned a degree in nursing- often the first line advocates for mothers suffering. It did not matter that I studied & knew the signs, symptoms & treatment forwards & backwards. 

I knew before I was even pregnant that I would be at higher risk due to past trauma, depression, & anxiety. Yet I just told myself if it happens I’ll deal with it then. 

I had finally gotten through the crippling first two thirds of pregnancy and was in my third trimester. No more hyperemesis & vomiting all my stomach’s contents, no more migraines from the forceful vomiting, no more trips to the ER to get fluids to rehydrate myself as I struggled keeping even water down. The suffering was behind me, or so I thought. . . 

It was late July, I was saying goodbye to my husband; he was off to the live-in police academy for five months. Little did I know in four short weeks I’d be delivering. I was too stressed worrying about my soon approaching nursing boards that his departure just felt like a “see ya later.” So I continued studying & took them August 14, just in time I would soon find out. As I walked into my OB appointment just seven days later I never had dreamt I would be having a baby that day. The four day migraine I had been fighting turned out to be something even more serious. My blood pressure had skyrocketed. It seemed I had become preeclamptic almost overnight.  before I knew it I was being wheeled down to triage.  As tears streamed down my face, I looked down to see that my ankles had quite literally tripled in size, my heart was in my throat, & I was wondering what on earth was going to happen. Was the baby okay? Was I okay? Was Jimmy going to make it to the birth? When I reached triage I was told- “we are inducing you today. You’ll have this baby by tonight.” 

After an unexpected delivery, a NICU stay for Hadleigh Mae, and a readmission for myself- we were home. Something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel connected to this life I had just brought into the world. I knew what I was feeling & thinking were disturbing but just simply knowing wasn’t helping me; I couldn’t shake it. I felt both disgusted by my thoughts & so disconnected from this person that was quite literally half me. Thoughts swarmed my head of how any other woman in this world would be a better caretaker & mother than I could to this little life. 

Luckily for me I was blessed with people in my life that didn’t give up on me, took on my burdens despite fighting their own life battles, and loved me through it. 

It’s time we start making these mamas feel more supported & empowered instead of a person that should be locked up away from her thoughts & feelings. Postpartum is no joke— on your mind, on your emotions, on your body. 

To any woman trying to fumble through the first weeks/months of motherhood or trying to figure out if adding another life to her tribe was the right idea: Do not let your thoughts hold you captive. Speak to someone. Cry to someone. Pray with someone. . . You’ve got this mama. ♥️

Postpartum Support International's Climb Out of the Darkness is the world's largest event for raising awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, while raising money and building community.

You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.
If you or someone you know is suffering, PSI can help: Call 1.800.994.4773 or Text 503.894.9453